The Road to Lincoln Is Paved In Good Intentions

I do not have road rage. However I sometimes get road exasperation.

I spend probably 50 percent of my day driving around Lincoln. I’m always driving a kid to a practice or a game or a sleepover or a birthday party or a shopping mall or a swimming pool. Or else, I’m driving to a store to get something for a kid who has a game and a sleepover birthday party at a swimming pool. You get the general idea. Sometimes I think my paychecks go directly into the gas pump.

Growing up in a small town, I used to be intimidated by driving in the “big city.” But after 22 years of living in Lincoln, I can drive in the driving snow, chai latte in hand.

I’ve learned that Lincoln is a pretty diverse town, with a large assortment of drivers. In some parts of town, you have to watch out for the impulsive high school drivers. Other parts of town feature partying college students. Other parts harbor the hard-nosed working commuters. A few neighborhoods are crawling with overly cautious blue hairs. And then you’ve also got to watch out for the soccer moms; they’ve always got an axe to grind, especially if their team lost.

Here I’ve compiled a short list of drivers you should watch out for if you are new to town or just visiting. If you live in Lincoln, I’m sure I’m preaching to the choir.

Cars you make room for:

1)      Student drivers. The ones with the big blaring sign on the top or side of their car that plainly says “Student Driver.” If you can’t figure this one out, you are too dumb to drive. Go turn in your license to the nearest police officer.

2)      Old people. Would you tailgate your grandma? Seriously? She makes you cookies. I hope you choke on the next batch.

3)      High schoolers. Some newly licensed drivers can barely see over the steering wheel, no less your vehicle filling their rear-view mirror. Following them too closely could cause a major meltdown in their drama-filled world. Besides, if they side-swipe you while involved in a major texting scandal about who dumped who and who now has a crush on someone else, they may never notice the collision. And do you really want to see some little girl cry? Or, even worse, some teenage boy?

4)      Out-of-county or out-of-state vehicles. Especially those with confused looking middle-aged women. They have enough money to fix their vehicle afterwards and they may think it is worth it to get in your lane to get to the mall.

5)      Any car held together by wire and duct tape. They don’t care if they hit you. They aren’t going to stop. They are only driving with one point left on their license anyway. And they didn’t pay their last two insurance premiums. Don’t park next to these cars either.

6)      College students. Reason? See Number 5.

There are cars in Lincoln you are free to cut off. Feel encouraged to drive a few clicks below the speed limit in front of them, as well.

The biggest culprits on my hit list are fast-driving men with pickups and mini vans. I also am irritated by middle-aged men passing in the right lane. They think that they don’t have time to drive in the correct lane. They will pass everyone on the right and cut in at the last second, usually in front of Number 2. They think it worked the last five times, it will work again today. Feel free to drive closely behind the car in front of you and not allow them in. I did this once and got the finger. I laughed the whole way home. This was not the effect that driver was hoping to have, I’m sure.

I can happily say I never have given anyone the finger. I also have never yelled obscenities at another driver. (That’s not to say I haven’t thought them really loudly.) Perhaps I have said “get a move on blue hair” or “pick a lane” a few times in not the kindest tone of voice.

My husband does get road rage. I’ve had to remind him that his wife and children who he loves are in the vehicle. And now that we have one of those blasted sporting stickers on the back of the vehicle, people can track us down. So much for anonymity. But he also honks at golfers and people playing sand volleyball. He is naughty. I would cut him off if he was in another vehicle.

But that’s all the time I have to talk about driving. I have to jump back in the Traverse, crank the Green Day, and pick up my kids from school. Joe has football at 6 and Mandy has -- you guessed it -- a soccer game at 5:15. And I just sharpened my axe last night…

Life is a Highway by Rascal Flatts (best driving song ever)

Chasin' You Around by Sugar Ray (story of my life, chasing my kids around)